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What Am I Even Doing - Blog Posts
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casually remembering i have to do homework so i push it back to the back of my mind for later, (and usually ending up procrastinating), but lately... i remember...
a UA student never gives up or refrains from doing schoolwork!
go beyond!!! plus ultra!!!
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I'm not even sure what I'm doing at this point...
*Casually goes back inside of your walls again <3)
(The lack of a second attena is 100% intentional but if you want it then here)
Anyways, I might redraw ringmaster Gangle again because last time she was looking more human than a silly ribbon girl with a funni hat.
Streaming Must Be Dumb
Why else would I have started doing it everyday but sunday.
RANDOM AUDIO LOG:
Hudson: I've worked just like everybody else!I haven't even punched that GENT worker in weeks. Seriously, what's the damn problem?!
Writer's Director: You refuse to work with everyone else. Hudson, in departments like these, you are expected to collaborate and use teamwork. You have shown neither of these!
Hudson: I'll show teamwork once Mike stops mocking me! Or when Gordan stops assuming I drink maple syrup for a living! Writer's Director: Hudson. Can't you..I don't know, just try and get along with everyone else?....! Hudson, STOP WALKING AWAY RIGHT NOW. Where the fuck are you going with that type writer...? Hudson: I WORK IN THE SEWERS NOW.
Writer's Director: .... Like...a rat? Hudson: NO. Like a mouse. A Canadian mouse. Writer's Director: Hudson, you can't just relocate, you- Hudson: JUST WATCH ME, LADY. Writer's director:... Hudson: AND TELL GORDAN TO TAKE A FUCKING TRIP TO CANADA.
uhh heyo? no clue how this works :D
just a guy doin a thing who may or may not be a lil bit wonky
Anyways dears~
A man (or creature) of many names: Ember, Ren, Crow, what the hells ever you decide
I am a safe space, do not bring ur drama to my dash :D
My obsessions are *everywhere.* And I mean *everywhere.*
Majorly an art/photography account?? Who may or may not froth at the mouth over some of your art styles please share
Well here's something that I haven't done in a while a marker and pen drawing...and well I just wanted to draw it that's all...
I bet it's cold I really need to work on my poses and drawing in general...
I feel like I might’ve posted this already. Eh,probs not.
that man looks like a god and I wanna have his demigod children
digital footprint this
digital footprint that
i’ll talk about wanting to fuck aemond targaryen if i please…
Currently studying cybersecurity fundamentals
The topic is dry as hell
So I made a bit of fun by personifying
Some words
I may do more but eh
Shit.
I fell into a very weird transformers brainrot
Soo the idea
I wanna have a fic were humans hate the transformers soooo much and they have to hide like in that one movie
But weird shit happens and bumblebee is the only autobot that so far has a human body for reasons (I have no idea if the have an android thing but I only watched the movies )
He gets a family through adoption
Has a crisis after realising he was a robot
His family may hate him or not
Depends on where I wanna go or the flow
Sketch of how he looks
(Please don’t take this seriously I have no idea where I’m going with this and I have zero transformers knowledge only watched the live action )
ooooo, fun game to play? Am I Faking Having Headmates And It's All A Hallucination?? Extra hard mode activated: have had extra hallucinations and intrusive thoughts lately, so there's no way to tell!!
messing around with my laptop wallpapers🥵🔥
Sorry Toji stans but that man does not possess dilf energy. He has Chad energy and he is very very very hot. but a dilf? no my friends that man it is not a dilf.
I don’t care that he supposedly sold Megumi for his own good. The fact is that he sold his son for the fucking Zenin family - one of, if not the worst family that you could be born into - and than forgot that he existed.
That man is hot. Very much so. I wish he stepped on me. - sorry, getting of track - But to be a dilf you should actually care about your kid.
You know who in jjk has dilf energy? Geto Suguru and Nanami Kento.
Raising two children that you just met? Dad shit
“It’s not about looking down on you or not. I am an adult, and you are a kid. I am obligated to prioritise you over myself.” - Dad shit
Conclusion: Toji is very attractive but not a Dilf.
Don’t mind me just learning how to make ridiculous shit
You know I’m starting to think that trying to fall asleep with the lights on is a bad idea but my brain likes it and it makes me calm. And hey I also found some cool music that also tickles my brain so that’s nice. Also if you are interested check out LAIKA: Aged Through Blood on steam. They have a demo and the game is pretty fun and pretty, even if it isn’t for me
billie eillish in the bible, call that biblical eyelash
Got this idea and thought I’d try it lmao
Feeling bad for my professors because this is how my papers look like
what studying literature feels like
no matter what language i try, the words i want to tell you never seem to sound the same when i sit to write them down.
"i'm sorry for keeping you at arm's length still."
"please let me stay by your side forever."
but no matter how fancy of words i use; none of it is what i have been truly longing to say.
i have never been a religious person but i have a silly habit — ever since i was younger, i would make a wish everytime i saw angel numbers.
"god above, please cure my tummy ache!"
"god, above, please let me ace this test tomorrow! i won't ask for anything else!"
my wishes are usually just whatever i needed in the moment; no more than childish whispers that i utter to myself, even if just to feel a little bit of hope.
you know? i saw an angel number today as well, but this time, the one i called out for, was you. neither the gods nor buddha but you, instinctively.
ah, before i even knew it, you became my god and my only wish. isn't that so silly?
朝夜
戻りもせず
刻は進み
春夏秋冬
季節は変わり
それでも犬は変わらぬまま
揺れる尻尾
口の中で古いテニスボール
探している答えはもう来る事はしない
犬は多分永遠にきずかず
I've seen the "Oscar looks at Carlos like he took his virginity and never called back" sooo many times, so here is my take on this.
(i also should be writing my thesis rn and not this😩)
"If he can move on, so can you." told himself Oscar. Many times. Every time he sees Carlos actually. And the truth is he tries, he really tries and he wants this, he even needs this. But he can't. The feelings inside him are all over the place. One moment he hates the guy with all his might, the next he is pitying himself and before he could realise the thoughts are straying. Thinking back to that night. The touches and kisses and whispers and everything. And he still remembers the night in great detail. Every moment. Thinks about it when he closes his eyes for sleep, first thing in the morning, second thing in the morning, while brushing his teeth, getting ready, driving. Thinks about it almost every time. Except when he is racing. So that is what he does every free minute he has. It certainly doesn't help that Carlos races too. But at least he could blame him for the mistakes on track. Does not make things better, but at least helps a little with taking the steam off. And at the end of the day he tells himself again "He has moved on, your turn." He doesn't.
And it absolutely pisses him off how Carlos makes it seem like it isn't a big deal. And what Oscar knows it may have not been. It's Carlos that took Oscars's virginity not vice versa. The fact that Oscar has a crush on Carlos since the beginning of times also does not help his case. But to be fair who doesn't. He was still questioning his sexuality when he first saw Carlos in Torro Rosso, so he immediately decided he is bi, which morphed into gay in less than a year. And when we talk crush, we downplay it for the sake of Oscar. Because it is embarassing enough already as it is that the guy who took his virginity, when he was a reserve driver for Alpine and McLaren, acts like he don't exist, don't need to add to that the angsty love he feels. It's not like it's been 3 years since then (it's been). He can't move on. He can't find love in other place, because he still dreams of the one he cannot have.
So yeah, Oscars's life really. At least he could still call him out on the track.
"Mate, is Carlos blind or what."
"Typical Carlos. Nothing changed i see."
"He just turned into me like i didn't exist."
And it hurt so fucking much, because he did exist, and it hurts because he really really has a crush(notlove) on Carlos, who just doesn't acknowledge him. He doesn't feel better after all this pulling by pigtails he did with Carlos. He hurts so much he has seriously considered begging him to at least look at him some times the same as that night.
Today was another eventful day, as in race day, as in he again bickered on radio about Carlos. Actually it wasn't even something worth mentionig, he just did because he could. Carlos had a lock-up somewhere in the middle of the race and Oscar felt the need to push the radio button and say "What is wrong with this guy, can't he drive." The silence on the other side was telling enough, and if it wasn't the daggers Carlos sent him post-race were an absolute giveaway. Oh well, someone must have told him about it. Anyway, not a terrible race per se. P5 is nothing good, but he qualified poorly so he did his best. Carlos on the other hand just missed on a podium, so his mood was worse, it could be seen by the way he talked and how he just wanted to get out of there. Frankly, they all did.
It was already extremely late when Oscar left his driver room, he could not find strenght to go to the hotel. He waved to some mechanics who were still wrapping up some things and made his way towards his parking spot. It was greatly illuminated so he could see a figure leaning against his car. A familiar figure. Carlos' figure. He swallowed nervously as he aproaced his car.
- What is your problem? - asked the man, still leaning on Oscars's car, crossed arms, frown face and all gorgeousnes present. Oscar watched the mouth move, then hea heard the question, delayed. What do you even mean is my problem? You are my problem. You and your shitty attitude, and all the pretending Oscar doesn't exist, and your full lips and big brown eyes and nice hair. But he doesn't say that, he says...
- What? - because what. That question can mean anything, so lets not get ahead of things, maybe Carlos is not here to fight him. At least they are talking now. You could say it is an acknowledgement.
- What.is.your.problem? - accentuates the older one every word. Oscar felt a digit point in his chest at every word, even if Carlos' hands stayed crossed on his chest, and oh boy what arms are those. The face Oscar had on was probably one of confuse, because he heard a sigh, and that made him look back at the mans' face, where there was no frown anymore just an exasperated expression. - Oscar... - oh boy, it happened, he, after three years heard his first name from those lips, not Piastri, not that McLaren, but Oscar. He genuinely could not care less about what was Carlos about to say, at least they are on first name basis now. Well Oscar always was, he held into that one with a dead grip, it was the only thing he could have of Carlos. - Do you even hear me?
- What. Oh sorry, mate. I probably spaced out. You said something? - he could not hear a single word after his name. Phatetic, he knows that. So what, sue him if he is in love has a crush.
- Don't mate me. - ouch harsh, it's not like he said something bad, what could he have said instead. - I do not get you. One time you call me a bad driver and now i am your mate? Can you make up your mind already? Are we enemies or are we "mates". - well it's not really his place to decide, Carlos decided all on his own already, so why is he complaining.
- What does it matter what i call you? It's not like you even acknowledge my prensence. For your information, i am also a racer, not some staff member you never saw, who you could just pass and not even nod. - it sounded more hurt that he planned, but that doesn't matter, he is hurt after all.
- How is that my fault? - asks the man in front of him, now on a slightly higher tone.
- Want to tell me it's mine? The first two months that i was in the paddock as a rookie driver i smiled and nodded to everyone, i even tried to fist bump you two times, but you ignored it and walked away. So i don't think it is my fault, mate.
- Come on, Oscar, we both know it started before your rookie year, even if you like to pretend it did not happen. - and what, rewind that again, he likes to pretend it didn't happen? It being the sex or is Oscar reading it wrong.
- I like to pretend it didn't happen? - those were some news.
- Don't pretend to be a fool, we both know you are a smart boy. - THAT did not help Oscar concentrate, just made him horny. Damned praise kink.
- No i am not. Pretending i mean. I literally don't know what you are talking about.
- The night we had sex? - the man said it with a raised eyebrow and oh fuck Oscar is starting to blush. He may not be still a virgin, but he still blushes like one.
- No, that i know. What do you mean I am the one to pretend like it didn't happen? I just told you that the next time we saw each other, you didn't even nod back, just completely ignored me.
- Because these are your words?
- My words? - could only repeat Oscar.
- Yeah, that night you told me, and i quote "please, pretend it never happened". - What, because what. He does not remember that, and he remembers everything from that night. The "Hi, i am Carlos. Hi i know. I mean i am Oscar. Nice to meet you." The whole converstation at the party. The drive to the hotel. The "i am a virgin". The "we can stop if you want". The ferm "no". All the prep work, the prelude, the sex, and the aftercare. Okay that one is a little bit rusty in his memory, but can you blame him, he just had the most amazing orgasm in his life, he spaced out a little. And then he remember waking up to an empty hotel room, no Carlos, no note, no nothing. So no he does not remember these words.
- I didn't! I never could. - he hates how his voice cracked up and betrayed him like that, but it was true, Carlos was his first love crush and only, because he could not fall in love with someone else, if he have not falled out of love.
- Oscar, i am not lying to you. - the mans' voice softened up a little, like he was about to hug him, even if that was not posibble, right? - I promise i am not lying, i remember that night very well. I was wiping you up with a wet cloth and you told me to pretend it didn't happen. I asked you again, because i thought i heard you wrong just for you to repeat the same and add that it is embarassing. - No, no, no it cannot be right, he must be lying because, he remebers Carlos wiping him because he refused to move and get a full bath, and there were no such words OHFUCK there were. But not how Carlos interpreted them. - Yeah, i see it on your face you remebered now, so if you could from now on refrain from trashtalking so much i would be delighted.
- No, wait. - Oscar stopped him by the forearm, when Carlos was about to leave. - Please, it's not like that, i mean i didn't mean it like that. I could never be embarassed by having sex with you. I mean i was embarassed because you know first time and with the man i had a crush on since forever, so i hoped i wouldn't ruin something. But when you were umhh...when we finished i told you i was in love with you since i was fifteen, and so THAT was the thing i was embarassed, not by you. - So that was a misunderstanding, and they could have been talking all the time till now? Damn him. They even could've been friends by now.
- Oh. - It's not Carlos' place to say oh, it's Oscars' because he js the one who confesed his love since he was fifteen twice. As if it was not embarassing enough the first time. - So, you are not embarassed by me? - Oscar shook his head so violently it hurts. God, never. - And you don't feel the need to pretend like it never happened? - again, because he already said too much, he now only feels the need to keep his mouth shut. - And if i want to kiss you, i can? - he started to shook his head again, until the question was delivered to his head and that made him almost pop his eyes out of orbit.
- What.
- I said can i kis-
- That i heard i mean why? - he must've gotten deaf, because there is no way Carlos said that.
- Because i' ve been craving to do so since i first saw you in the paddock as a reserve driver and that night only amplified the want. You have no idea how much i want you. Even if you are a brat.
- No.
- I can't kiss you? I thought you said you were in love with me. - IAM.
- No, i mean i am, but no it can't be happening. - he could feel his eyes filling with water as he heard the words he imagined every night for years. But he was a big boy so he would not cry. Now.
- Me liking you? - asked the man confused.
- That. - his head was spining, he was on a roller coaster, better yet, he was dreaming, he must have fallen asleep in his driver room, because that cannot be happening. Even if he imagined that in great detail. So what. He has a great fantasy
- But i do. - he feels strong arms steading him, rubbing a little up and down on his own arms, huh he didn't feel the cold night air till now. - Why do you think i aproached you at that party? I saw you and remembered seeing you in the paddock and thinking you are cute, so i decided it was nice to speak to you, at least after it was announced you would drive for McLaren. I especially liked the statement you posted. And when speaking i saw your bunny teeth and rosy cheecks and i absolutely adored it. I feel like it was a mistake going to the hotel first and not a first date, but what's done can't be undone. So now, when we established that i like you and you like me, can we go on a date?
- To a hotel? - he could't pass the opportunity to make fun of Carlos, even when he just confessed to him. And frankly he got what he always wanted.
- I take back everything i said, except when i called you a brat, go on a date alone. - the man started walking towards his car, when Oscar embraced him from behind.
- I am sorry, i just love teasing you. But yes we can go on a date and you can kiss me, see if it makes me shut up.
- Lucky me i like doing that, but i also like you loud.
There was a long way ahead of them in their relationship. Whatever that is. But they already wasted two years, they are not gonna waste any more.