Introspection - Blog Posts

Through My Mother's Eyes

tw// mentions of blood and slaughter (not graphically described) Sometimes, I look into my mother's eyes and I wonder what she truly sees? Does she see me or the sight of a little girl who once was free? A girl that soon was forced to clumsily grow up under the weight of familial expectations beyond extreme. Sometimes, I look into my mother's eyes and I wonder, I truly wonder what my mother sees when she looks at me.

Am I still her precious little girl? One created from the most delicate of flower petals, the warmth of the first rays of dawn, the patience of a familiar ordinary thing—a World's Best Mom mug. Maybe. Or does she perhaps see me as an accommodation? One I know her heart made room in a tight life; a difficult space to receive. Another burden. Maybe she sees a silly little girl handed not one, nor two, nor three…but six toddlers to take care of. Of course, still not yet counting all the other little children playing in oversized adult suits.

Sometimes, I look into my mother's eyes and I wonder what she truly sees? Perhaps I was being too soft, too idealistic with my words before. Maybe she sees me as the inconvenience I know I am to her somewhere deep down. A culmination of early regrets, a dozen of 'too soons', a handful of 'not readys', a pinch of resentment and a drink of guilt induced apologies to wash it all down.

What should I feel guilty for this time, mother? Your husband's indifference, your mother's relentless disappointment, the dreams you had to give up, the weight of the world you have been insistent on carrying? Perhaps I should apologize for being your only daughter.

What should I feel guilty for today mother? Just let me know. Because everytime I look in your eyes, I see the sweetest little girl who would serve her heart on a platter if it means another person could have one more moment to feel the comforting beating. I see a little body trembling but oh so filled with determination–to get this right; to bring everyone along even if it means pushing a boulder uphill. She wants to get this right. She needs to get this right.

But do you know mother, that when I look into your eyes I see nothing but a little girl deserving of tender love? A girl I would sacrifice my own heart for if it means she would get another moment to stay her curious and wonderful self. So what should I feel guilty for this time mother? Just let me know. Because although in your eyes, I may be a sacrificial lamb upon an altar of shame and guilt that was never yours to carry, I would still allow you to slaughter me upon that altar. Maybe the warmth of my blood would comfort you—maybe that warmth would finally reach you. Or perhaps it would touch the hands of all the women prior, who suffered the same fate as you.

To be fair, I indeed do not know; I am pondering after all. This can be full of assumptions, illusions or maybe some truths. One thing I do know is I would continuously extend my hand of unconditional love towards that little girl even in death for she deserves the world. If only you'd finally let her see it too.

~Elunara W.

Finding the Glimmers in my Personal Glums Pt. 1

I like to journal and note down all the little moments of magic I experience in my day-to-day life; I call these moments glimmers. Although very simple, they make me the most joyful and remind me of the gratitude that I have to be able to experience this magical life that I am living. It reminds me of the true magic we already have around us. While pondering on those moments in my glimmer logs recently, it sparked an idea with my introspection process. I wondered...what if I found the glimmers in not only my external and internal world but within the perceived flaws I have about myself; I now call these my glums (which I find absolutely adorable to say hehe). Sometimes I can still be quite harsh with myself based on my areas of weakness, though my inner voice has grown much more compassionate and even softer through the years which I am beyond grateful for. This is why I wanted to go a little deeper and really question my perceived flaws that may be hiding some of my most powerful inner strengths. Hence, the idea of finding the glimmers in my glums came along. Day #1 of Finding the Glimmers in my Glums is the problems I have sometimes with grounding my ideas because I have so much floating in my head. I have observed, especially as a creative whether it comes to my writing or even my art (in whatever form that may be) I get a little frustrated with myself because as soon as I have something to create, my head is instantly filled with so many ideas and sometimes I struggle to fully ground one idea because my mind is able to perceive multitude of directions this one concept or theme could express itself. It can be overwhelming, especially as a person who is still gradually learning to 'do' more so than 'think' about it when it comes to creating. This sometimes leads me to stall during the ideation process, more so when I'm creating art rather than writing. For quite a long time, I held this subconscious belief that this was beyond frustrating and I am aware this is indeed a weak area of mine because that stagnation can settle in if I am not careful and start overthinking or even overanalyzing it. It is definitely a part of me that I've been sometimes disheartened by. However over the years, I was truly able to find some form of glimmer within this perceived glum of mine. I was able to finally perceive the strengths within this glum; I am good at being innovative or developing an idea in multiple ways. I realized....wait...this can indeed be a strength in some way...I may be really well at ideation. This glimmer only fully settled into my subconscious recently because I have thankfully had a really sweet and helpful lecturer that brought to my awareness that I do not have to perceive this as something awful. What I perceived as personally troublesome or disheartening at times is truly one of my strengths, especially if I learn to harness it well and incorporate different mechanisms so I do not feel like I am spiraling through ideas with no sense of direction. So, in little ways, I have been incorporating small habits that help me ground an idea when I am creating. I still think about my creations, however, now I make more little lists of concepts/themes, then I choose one or two and from there I just...start. Whether that means gathering photo references, sketching all these ideas down, mixing colour palettes, etc. I just start. And thankfully, doing and starting has been the most helpful for me. I can feel that my ideas are not just spiraling; they have a sense of being more grounded and complete now. It has helped me to be in tune with the flow of creation and to see that my perceived weakness did indeed have something I can learn from it. Not to say that I still do not have my off times but now I do have little ways to help me stay on track with my ideas and expressing them in ways I would be content with when I am finished. The development process of my creations has truly been so much more fun now that I've turned pieces of my glum into beautiful glimmers~